I feel like this is going to be such a long and rambly maybe pointless post, but also feel like I have this heavy weight on my chest that I just can’t shift.
For some reason that I cannot put my finger on, I have felt rather shit about myself lately.
I have been pretty awful to myself, negative thoughts feelings, outfit changes, spending ages doing my makeup to still (in my opinion) look absolutely flipping knackered and shite.
I have found myself scrolling through instagram as we ALL do comparing myself to others, mainly those that are body positive… I envy these people, these people who are just HAPPY with the way they are in every shape, size, way possible, they are just happy. They don’t want to change. I literally look at them and my thoughts are… really? I am in such a funk with myself that I literally find it impossible that anyone could just be happy with themselves which I know is shite and awful.
I have been looking back of pictures of myself as my slimmest and wondering if I will EVER get back to that, I have no idea what I weigh I honestly don’t want to know, but my clothes are snugger and i can see a difference in the mirror, and most importantly I just feel so unhappy with myself, and also knowing that looking a certain way won’t be the answer to all my problems.
It’s not everyday I feel crappy and some days I feel bloody brilliant and thank the lord baby Jesus for my body and my two beautiful girls that grew very happily into gorgeous and absolutely huge baby’s in my tummy, 9lb4 and 10lb4 of gorgeousness to precise, but just some days I feel utter rubbish and I haven’t felt like that for a very very long time.
I think I’m just at a limbo of what I want to do, how I want to eat and live my life does not go with how I look… I love wine and bad food, honestly it makes me happy in the moment BUT it also makes me put on weight which makes me unhappy… and I am finding it SO hard to find a balance.
I am my own biggest critic and I have been running around like a blue arsed fly since Isla was born. I have been none stop and the week before Xmas I was at mental break down point with just EVERTHING. Life is too busy, it’s just all too much and of course I feel a huge amount of pressure with what I eat from myself, but also from Instagram… what started as a food diary became something so much more and posting all my meals was definitely a huge part to my success of losing weight but also now I feel like getting back to that body positive place is such a hard thing and I have no idea how to!
So basically long story short, my aim (not for 2017 but for life) is to stop being so bloody hard on myself and to do more of what makes me happy as a whole, whatever that may be.
I’m absolutely not looking for sympathy or digging for compliments it just makes me feel even more crappy and very awkward. I just wanted to get it all off my chest as I feel like some people think I have my shit together, and I definitely don’t 😂
If anyone has the answers, let me know!