This year on social media I’ve seen a lot of mocking of the usual ‘new year, new me’ stuff we tend to see in the bucket load during the last week of December/first week of January. It kind of pisses me off because so what if someone wants to make changes? Wether it be to lose weight, be more successful, be happier, whatever… so bloody what?
We are all on our own paths and I feel that the most important thing to focus on is our own path and not somebody else’s. I feel like a New Year is always the perfect excuse to re focus on our goals, let go of the past and just think of moving forward.
I searched my ‘best nine’ on Instagram this week (obvs) and every single photo was either of the girls, me and the girls, all four of us or me on my own. In every single one of the photos that I was in, I had a huge smile on my face. I looked like the happiest, luckiest, healthiest person and the first thing I though is ‘wow, what a fraud.’ I am fully aware of the highlight reel that is Instagram and I pride myself on being as real as I can without sharing my entire life because of course some things are better left unsaid. But upon seeing my best nine, I just felt like it wasn’t a true reflection of the year I have had personally and it made me feel all sorts of weird.
This year has had so many highs, but incredibly painful lows where I have found myself feeling and thinking the shittest of things. I have suffered severe anxiety, ignoring my depression and just been generally quite stressed out. Looking back on all of those times right now makes me want to grab 2018 by the nuts and make sure I face all of these things with a bit more fight and a lot more positive.
Ive realised its OK to not be OK. Talk to people, tell someone, do not hold it all in because it will eat you all up, and finding yourself again is not as easy as it sounds, I still don’t feel myself and it scares the shit out of me if I will ever feel like ‘me’ again, if we will ever feel like ‘us’ again… but then on the other hand I am fully aware that we change constantly, we grow and learn and maybe its time to stop trying to find the old me, and start focussing on the new me?
This year has held some BIG life experiences, moving house being the thing that sticks out the most. I feel so thankful we have this place now and cannot wait to start making it our own in 2018 but my god, I wont be putting myself through the selling/buying/new mortgage process again anytime soon… and most definitely not whilst still on Mat leave (to anyone going through this currently, I am sending you HUGE hugs and HUGE glasses of wine). The whole process was a rollercoaster of stress, happiness, tears, arguments and SO MUCH paperwork but when we finally completed, all of that ebbed away and was possibly the biggest feeling of relief (aside from pushing a baby out) that I have ever felt. We have really exciting plans for this place, due to hopefully start around April this year and I simply cannot wait to knuckle down, save lots and plan our new home.
Another plus side to this year is how my Instagram and Blog has evolved to bring me most importantly new friendships and confidence along with also helping me provide for my family. Never in a million years did I think I would make friends through the internet but some of the lovely ladies I have met IRL or just on the gram have made huge differences to my life for the better. I have been to a few events this year filled with nerves and apprehension but have been fortunate to meet a few seriously amazing, like minded women, some that I know will be friends for life. I have also had my eyes opened to another side of Instagram which has helped me realise that what you see, is most definitely NOT what you get (in some cases) and just to take everything with a pinch of salt and remember how people make you feel.
And lastly I want to reflect on being a Mother to 2 this year. Something that has kept me going but equally broke me down on many occasions. Looking back I find I do focus a lot on the negatives (something I will be focussing my energy on NOT doing next year). With Isla growing older, becoming more active and just becoming a tiny human, with her own little (VERY STRONG) mind… I found myself feeling a bit helpless at times (daily). What do I do? Why is she so hard work? Why is she so different to Abbie? etc etc… but equally absolutely adoring her and her little ways, knowing that her strong will and determination will one day be a trait I would of course never want her to be without, but also hoping that she really isn’t just the devil child or ‘A Lucie’ as we say in our family and that I basically just need eyes everywhere for the next 10 years.
Abbie has started school this year which I thought was a huge deal and I worried/cried/stressed about the whole thing but turns out its pretty great. She’s happy and surprises me weekly with the things she is learning. I do pretty much hate the school run and having to be up and out every day but I love the guarantee of daily interaction with an adult even if it is a 5 minute chat outside the classroom. Also turns out I am the complete opposite as a parent to a student as I was as a student… so unorganised and forgetting homework/doing it in the car in the morning but I will try and be a bit better at this!!
Realising that I am raising two very different girls and also that I am a different parent to each of them has been a bit groundbreaking for me towards the end of this year. I remember clearly a conversation I had with my Mum (who I honestly don’t know how Id survive motherhood/life without) Im pretty sure I was sobbing (standard) that I didn’t know what I was doing, why is Isla so hard work? Im the same parent as I am/was to Abbie… when she told me pretty plainly that I am not. I am different person to who I was 3/4 years ago, going through different life experiences and circumstances… and it clicked. Since then I have been trying very hard to not compare the two of them and to also not compare myself to myself… its so important to just follow those mama instincts even if its something you wouldn’t of done the first time round, Im basically going to stop being at war with myself and keep doing my best because you cant do better than that.
So its with a light heart that I wave Goodbye to 2017, thankyou for being amazing some of the time and thankyou for nearly breaking me, because I have learnt so much. And I wont say oh I cant wait for a happier 2018 etc etc because life is life, its full of ups and downs, hidden battles, success, failure, heartbreak, love the bloody lot… I will say bring it on and all I hope for is a more positive mind, health and lots of laughs.