I find it so hard talking about how I’m feeling, what I’m doing weightloss/diet/life/exercise wise which is so weird as that is how my Instagram and Blog started out, I would quite happily share photos of my body at any stage and all my meals etc and talk openly about wanting to change what I saw in the mirror.
I think with the rise of body positivity, which is something I absolutely love and am completely on board with as much as I possibly can be, makes me feel like a fraud if I’m then like oh well yeah I would love to lose a few lbs or tone up, because ultimately I think we should all just love ourselves exactly as we are even though I find it really hard to do that myself.
But I’ve given this some thought and I am completely and utterly all for ‘do what makes you happy’ and right now… I’m not completely ‘there’ and that is mainly because I’m just not feeling myself as much as I once was, I look at old photos and think god I wish I’d maintained that weight!
For anyone who is new to my ramblings, I lost 5.5 stone with Slimming World I will link some older Blog Posts Weightloss in Numbers , Pregnancy After Weightloss and Trying To Find Balance… Still! that explain a bit more about it and how I was feeling at that particular time.
I never anticipated how hard it would be to ‘maintain’ and to try and find a balance where I was happy in my own skin and leading a life (eating and drinking) wise that I was happy with BUT still under control of… I am currently about a stone heavier than my lowest weight and half of me is like own that shit, I’m happy enough, I don’t feel rubbish (most of the time) which then leads me to the other half of me that would love to lose some weight and get back into exercise.
This time of year I find particularly difficult with the start of Spring and Summer on the way, wanting to wear less clothes and feel good in them, I have probably thought about re-joining Slimming World at least once a day for quite a while now and whilst it completely changed my life for the better and I did feel great… I also have to remind myself that even at my lowest weight, I still wanted to lose 7lbs, which only now looking back at photos I think bloody hell I would of looked unwell had I been any thinner.
I have always had a bad relationship with food, emotional eater, I eat when I’m anxious, sad, stressed, tired… I think this year something I want to try and really focus on is getting that under control a bit more… try and curb the binging and think about why am I doing this? what can I do instead? I would LOVE to try and get in a good exercise routine… I’m lazy AF with exercise… the only exercise I enjoy is walking, so I’m going to at least try and do a bit more walking and I’ve decided I’m going to start having personal training again once a week.
After having Isla, I invested in a personal trainer (@chesssmart and @mumeternity on the Gram), yes it is an investment but it was money well spent as she basically cured my lower back problems, I had more strength and energy that I do now and it was almost like having a therapy session every week, we would chat about everything and I would always leave feeling amazing, plus my arse looked better than it ever has… I think if you had the feeling you get after exercise BEFORE exercise then it would a lot easier to do!
I want to focus more on loving myself right now and being honest that yes there are things I would like to change but equally I’m healthy enough, I have grown two beautiful babies and to stop being so hard on myself and LOSE the food guilt and self loathing… its just so negative and a waste of energy. I don’t think there is much I want to change about my eating habits as generally they are quite good… I tend to eat balanced, home cooked meals Mon-Thurs/Fri and more relaxed at the weekend… some weekends I’m horrendous, some days I’ll eat 5 Creme Eggs (guilty), some weekends I drink too much but that is just life… I don’t want to feel restricted I just want to live and stop hating myself if I do eat too much in one day.
And more importantly than all of the above, I need to remember that I am a role model to two girls, who I want to grow up to be happy in their own skin and that I must always try and lead by example, I was jumping up and down in the bedroom pulling some pants on the other day and said something along the lines of ‘God, I need to stop eating’ in front of Abbie and instantly regretted it… what a stupid thing to say I actually feel terrible admitting this and would hate for her to ever have a negative relationship with food because of me.
So yeah thats basically all I have to say, nothing ground breaking or exceptional happening I just want to love myself a bit more and move a bit more, and I hope that anyone reading this who is struggling about what they should/shouldn’t be doing just focus on you, find what makes you happiest and do that.