In a week where I have been seeing, and reading so many amazing, inspirational, thought provoking posts about Maternal Mental Health, why have I felt so stumped.
I pride myself in being honest and open when I am going through things but sometimes it’s just so much easier to pretend everything is ok… and also I feel like although being authentic and ‘real’ is something I try and do, there should also be a line that isn’t crossed because on a personnel level (and this is just my opinion and what I feel comfortable with) I don’t think it’s necessary or healthy to share everything in my life.
Truth is I have had one of those weeks where I have felt a bit like I’m wading through the mud. My anxiety has been crushing at times, I have had two panic attacks and just felt a bit on ‘auto pliot’. That’s the funny thing about mental health (well its not funny but I don’t really know how else to say it)… But looking at my Instagram, or seeing me IRL you would have no idea that I had felt that way at certain times this week.
And before I go on, I feel like I have to say this, because unfortunately when you have a certain number of followers, for some reason there will always be people rolling their eyes (P.S its this sort of person that is a huge problem for any mental health issues in my opinion, the ‘oh she’s such an attention seeker’ ‘oh what does she have to feel shit about’ people, it’s those sort that put people off getting help for the fear of being brushed under the carpet…) anyway I digress, but what I want to say is this is not a pity post. As I said I pride myself on being honest, and I take so much support and comfort from others when I do open up because so many people are like ‘me too’ and I feel less alone and the fact that I feel like I can talk about this stuff, well it helps me to a certain extent.
So anyway, Maternal Mental Health week is led by Perinatal Mental Health Partnership UK, the aim is to get all Mums and Mums to be to speak up about the way they are feeling and if need be, seek help. It raises a huge amount of awareness and really does get us all gabbing away about Mental Health and also all helping each other which is honestly so amazing.
But I have felt stumped this week and unable to join in the conversation, because it is that thought in my head ‘what the fuck is wrong with you’ ‘what do you have to feel sad about’ ‘why are you so anxious’ ‘what the fuck is wrong with you’. Mental health issues, do not discriminate. On paper, I have a very nice life, I have some issues and things going on that I probably will never talk about openly and yes these are a factor in me feeling the way I do sometimes but I know deep down it all has kind of snowballed in the last 2 years… and whilst I can happily sit here and pen my thoughts and feelings openly to potentially thousands of people why the fuck can’t I go and sit in a room with one person, one stranger and tell them I think I need help.
When It all gets a bit much and I lie in bed at the end of the day like fuck, right tomorrow I’m going to go and talk to someone, I can wake up the next day feeling a bit lifted, feeling like today is going to be alright and then I just get on with my life until it hits again for a few days and I go through all the same thought processes again, it’s honestly a bit knackering. I find myself thinking is there something wrong with you or is it just life? Life has many ups and downs, it’s not easy for anyone. Throw kids, partner, home, work into the mix along with everything else it’s very easy to feel like you are sinking once in a while.
So where does it become a Mental Health Issue and not just having a few bad days? I honestly do not know. But for me I think the fact that it keeps happening and frequently is probably a bit of a warning signal. I have been writing this post all week and it’s honestly so therapeutic for me to come back to it in different frames of mind and look back and think why did you feel like that, but I also feel a bit silly. There are some amazing inspirational women I follow, who talk very very openly about their Mental Health Issues… and it’s that feeling of ‘god I can’t say that, It’s not even that bad, there are others going through so much worse’ but I saw a picture on @mamas_scrapbook Instagram feed that just made me think, we all have a voice and nobody should ever feel like they can’t share what they are going through, it’s not a competition, it’s a serious, real life, issue and I truly believe the more we talk about it and the more we take action the better it will be for future generations.
I feel like I don’t really know how to end this post, I’m feeling good today, happy and looking forward to spending the weekend with my family, so the thought of needing to go and speak to a professional about how I have been feeling in other times is a bit daunting and feels almost unnecessary but now I feel like I have been so honest and open that I owe it to myself to at least go and see what they say, It is just the fear of them being like ‘oh your fine today though?’… anyway I’m going to just leave it here and say Thank you for reading and to everyone who does message me or comment to me saying ‘me too’ Thank you for making me feel less alone and less like I’m losing my mind.